ARGUMENT STYLES
Do you know your argument style? What about your partner’s style?
Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.
-Maija E
HOW to argue
Arguments are common and even necessary in a relationship. However, they can be very effective or ineffective depending on the argument style of the couple.
Many things influence a person’s argument style like family history, personality, past relationships, and experiences. As we grow up in the atmosphere of our parent’s relationship, we might end up adopting their argument behavior. Or we consciously or unconsciously end up doing the exact opposite. It might also be possible for a person to have grown up in an environment where adults never fought and the person assumes the relationship is over the moment the first disagreement appears.
By understanding each other’s argument styles, you can besides increase understanding and compassion, argue more effectively. With increased awareness, you can also establish your “argument guidelines”, notice what works and what never works, for example a put a pin on it practice (anytime arguments seems to get heated, the other one can ask to put a pin on it for a while). When both parties have a common goal of valuing and understanding each other, the need for criticism and defensiveness decreases and the effectiveness of the arguments increase.
Besides considering your argument styles, Our Relationship Design -workbook focuses on common goals when arguing, what to avoid and how to communicate most effectively.
To see more tips on how to argue effectively, see for example Jenni Jacobsen’s article How to handle relationship arguments: 18 effective ways on Marriage.com.
By knowing each other’s argument styles, you can increase understanding and connection.
argument styles
THE NEGOTIATOR
The negotiator engages in a positive way. Having a goal of healthy communication, wanting to solve the issue, not trying to win. Style of compromising and negotiating, not getting defensive. This is the style to strive for although it is very rare to be able to consistently stay in this style.
THE PUSHER
The pusher is wanting harmony but not knowing how to express that emotion and ends up using tactics to push their partner’s buttons. There is anxiety behind this style. And a strong need to remove the anxiety causes them to push for the resolve which can typically cause more issues, especially if the other person is of the runaway style.
THE ATTACKER
The attacker is the first one to be pointing finger to the other one and wants to be right at any cost, using words like “you always”, “you never”. Fixation to win can be damaging to the relationship because the other person often does not feel heard at all. If there are two attackers in the relationship, it means both can hold their own but compromises become rare.
THE DEFENDER
The defender is often responding to an perceived attack taking everything very personally. Usually feeling criticized and rejected. More defending own opinions and reasoning own actions than owning own issues, staying on the defenses especially if the other one is an attacker type.
THE ROLLOVER
The rollover gives up as quickly as possible to end the argument. Behind this style there is typically a person who has the experience that their opinion does not matter. They disengage from the relationship and might punish their partner by sulking.
THE RUNAWAY
The runaway does not like confrontation and tends to shut down in an argument. They believe there will be no resolve and the conflict causes fear so instead of engaging they shut down all emotions and are detached externally, sometimes also physically leaving the scene of the argument. The more the other one tries to engage, more they become like a stonewall.
THE ?
Come up with your own name and description for your argument style.