Expressing love
How do you express your love? How would you like to be loved?
Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get—only with what you are expecting to give—which is everything.
-Katherine Hepburn
Understanding the way you express love is key
We easily offer affection in the way that we hope to receive it. Or if we don’t like something we don’t realize to offer it to others. Knowing each other’s love languages is the secret to love that lasts, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of 5 love languages. According to Chapman the key is learning to express love in a way that speaks to your partner. Chapman suggests the languages are: acts of service, receiving gifts, physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation. If you want to take the love language quiz, visit the 5 love languages website. We are all different in the ways we express love and with the ways we hope to receive it. It’s also possible that we try to express our love with ideas we have gotten from songs or movies without even noticing it.
In Think Like a Monk (Thorsons 2020) Jay Shetty refers to six loving exchanges in Upadesamrta to encourage bonding and growing together. There are three types of exchanges that each contain giving and receiving. These exchanges are gifts, conversation, and food which he interprets broadly as exchange of experiences.
acts of service / experiences
These can be anything from making coffee in the morning, giving a massage, selecting a movie that you know your partner would like to bigger items like taking a leave of absence from work in order to relocate for your partners job.
gifts
Flowers, chocolates on Valentine’s day, new tech, trips, the list is endless. Note that the gesture can be rather empty if it is just something you think you have to do or if it is something carefully considered for you partner.
physical touch
Hugs, kissing, dancing, massage, sex…note that there are many different forms of physical touch.
quality time
For some people this means going on a trip together, to another it could mean having dinner without interruptions.
conversation
Listening to each other intentionally, focusing on what the other is saying, giving the other the feeling of being heard. Words of affirmation out loud or through messages or notes for example.
What makes you feel loved? What delights you the most? What are you often hoping or expecting? What was the best birthday present you ever received as a child? Why was it the best one? Was it a toy, time with parents, an experience? How do you express your love? With words, hugs, cooking, washing your partner’s clothes? What do you appreciate most about your partner’s actions? Is there something you don’t appreciate that your partner does? What consoles you best when you are feeling sad? A hug, a person listening, something to do? Do you wish to receive flowers? Do you enjoy more the flowers or the thought behind them? Are words important or almost a cliché? How important is it to hear the words “I love you”? Do the words loose meaning if you hear them too often?
Figuring out each other’s ways to express love and creating a love bingo for your partner is one key part of the Our Relationship Design -workbook process. See inserts of the book on Amazon.